Heart or Brain

I have always been the brain person. Always. You can always see me telling people that your heart is stupid, and you shouldn't follow what it feels. I always tell people that to be realistic, and don't do things that will make you regret.

Then something happened some time back, and I was exposed with the idea and experience of following your heart wholly.

It was overwhelming to my poor little heart, and was crazy, but it was mind blowing - such experience.

I think I have always been referred as the person who is very rationale, who is very matured and is above all (as in above those useless and irrational desires) when it comes to making decision. and I was damn proud about this fact of mine.

So what is it about when you say you are a brain person? - for me, I just basically block all the kind of emotions and feelings that are possible to go through me. I will have detachment, I will try not to form attachment, I will just think of everything, all the time. This is also what the brain has made the heart think - to follow whatever the brain said. Has the heart feel entire happiness? Yes, probably, according to what the brain wants the heart to think. I have been really aware on this, and I wanted to live a life as such.

So talking about the something happened, that experience and some people I met have made me had a major paradigm shift - where I could actually do things following my heart, and wanted to follow my heart BADLY. My heart starts to react more and more to the stimuli, and wanting the fuel badly to fuel the heart so that it keeps on beating - in a lively way.

Well, when you do something following your heart, it may disappoint people around you initially, in some cases. And maybe that was the reason why your brain telling you that you can't follow your heart blindly, you have to think about the people around you... I guess that is what they referred as maturity? But eventually, if it is something that you love doing, the people who truly love you will accept you for who you are and understand the things that you really want to pursue according to your heart. If not, does your brain allows you to break the heart of the people around you? Most probably not.

To give a background, I am someone who really emphasise on experience. I would be curious about different experience that I have not experienced before, as I have only this life, but with really very clear mind on what the experience may lead me on. and I think I am handling this quite well.

So I would be sad, if anything that is stopping me from experience different things in life. 

Okay, I think I am kinda lost in what I am trying to say. Maybe back to the experience, where I got to try to follow my heart, it leaves one of the best memories that I had but it is not good to be mentioned. To think back, it did give me a very strong kind of feeling that fuels my heart with happiness, something that I had been missing out from my life due to over realistic, and not following the flow. At that point, I hated responsibilities - something that I used to hold on to when I was a very strong brain person. I didn't want those responsibilities that people have been telling me, and it was to the extend that if I didn't do that, I would feel regret for not doing it (not the other way round where people worried about me being regret for doing it). However, some part of my mind still calling me back and asked me to only stick the safe way.

So in the end, with a lot of external forces, I was forced to stick to the safe way. Probably the people around me were able to protect me before I got hurt really badly. But I have never been there, I wasn't sure. No matter what, I have already tried hard to leave that behind, because more external parties were trying to get involved.

So this following heart thing was at the back of my mind, lying dormant without any trigger to trigger it to be back to my life, until recently. 

Some people around me ask me to feel the feeling around me, to feel what your heart feels, and to live a happy life. I realised that I did try to follow my brain and it isn't the most ideal life that I am living, but it wasn't that bad after all. I live an average life, have everything basic in life, but probably just lack of some real happiness. Some friends told me that, that they would just follow their brain now as we age, as they have already passed through the phase of being crazy and young and stupid, while I seem to be in a reversed experience. I had tried to be really matured and rational all the time, until now, I really feel like want to feel the feeling that my heart feels. (lol you get what I mean?) till the extend that I feel quite depressed, I think that I can experience this only in the next life.

By following your brain, you mostly have the control in life of your emotions. But I have the conflict as in I feel that the emotions and feelings are what that keep you alive, isn't it? I like the feeling of letting myself go when I hear the right song that sets me in the right mood (which previously I hated me being in this way, because it was too imaginary and dreamy , aka unrealistic). But now I feel like I can't get enough of it. Maybe it is true that I haven't passed through the phase of getting crazy, and now I am craving for it. Normally people's experience will be doing all those crazy and stupid things during young times, and not regretting the life that you didn't live in the future.

I can't tell how much easier my life would be if I just follow my heart when I was deciding things in the past. But no, I think think think think until my brain juice also dries up and still can't get the answer.

Right now, I may just realised this and now I may not be at the right position to follow my heart entirely. So, what for me to think anymore...

 Another close friend of my also commented that I wasn't so much of a heart person in the past and was really a strong brain oriented person. His words make me rethink about myself, by feeling with heart, I wasn't able to really know how to handle all the emotions. It is just like opening a pathway to my heart, and let all the emotions flow through my heart. I feel alive, but at the same time very tired, with all these events that triggering my heart to beat in a certain way... I realised what he said may be right, that I am not a heart person after all, because I feel tired from all these strong emotions. 

Oh wait, isn't the tiredness comes from my brain giving instructions to my heart not to do something blindly by just following my heart? Isn't it like that?

Answer is, yeah, I think the tiredness is from the brain trying to stop the heart from feeling all sorts of emotions, but it is just doing a really bad job. I have to make my brain to pick up his job better, or just ditch this entire brain thing completely, and follow my heart (which is quite irresponsible). 

In the end of the day, Mei Hong just follows the safe way (and sad too).

and then she needs to use her brain power to turn the situation from sad/disappointed/depressing to happiness from living at the present moment.

It's all about the mindset. Stop thinking that you have anything to lose, by thinking that all of us will die eventually (Steve Jobs)

Okay. I am tired of the feeling of the heart and conflict from the brain. Good night peeps. May God bless me with wisdom to come out with a decision on what to do.

Xoxo,

Mei Hong